I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
Here’s a question from one bisexual man to another. We’ve all read that 2 out of 3 women would refuse to have sex with a guy who’s had sex with another guy, and men outnumber women by a lot on Tinder and so on. In real life, most of us seem to have experienced having the deck stacked against us when it comes to hooking up with women. It’s typically much easier to hook up with other men. So what’s your advice on how to hook up with women as often as men on a regular basis? Or on how to build a circle of female as well as male friends with benefits?
— Disproportionately Gay
Dear Disproportionately Gay,
Before delving into advice, I just want to ask why you want to sleep with more women. The reason can be as simple as women are hot and sexy, and you love having sex with them. If so, awesome. I totally agree! I just want to make sure you don’t feel pressure to be sleeping with an equal number of women and men to somehow prove to others (or yourself) that you are “truly bisexual.” (Your sign-off gave me the indication this may be a factor.) If that’s the case, then dispel that nonsense from your mind; you’re still bi regardless of how many women you sleep with!
That said, I’m going to assume you want to sleep with more women because you simply want to sleep with more women.
First things first, list that you are bi on your dating profiles (in your bio). You will receive significantly fewer matches because, as you mentioned, most women don’t want to have sex with (or date) a bisexual man. (I’m just going to say it: These women are lame! They don’t know what they’re missing out on!) But the women you do match with are clearly game for it. In my experience, there’s a decent chance that they, too, are bisexual(which increases the likelihood they’ll want to sleep with a bi man). But even if they’re not bi themselves, they’re clearly okay with hooking up with a bi man; otherwise, they wouldn’t have swiped right.
You may be worrying that you’ll run out of options and nearly every woman will swipe left if you openly state you’re bi in your bio, but luckily, there’s no shortage of women on dating apps. And if you happen to run out of matches on one app, there are literally hundreds of other dating apps you can switch to.
I’d also recommend using dating apps where bi men tend to have more success. Feeld is a big one. It caters to ethically non-monogamous folks, but in my experience, it has significantly more bi people on the app (and people who are open to dating bi people).
Then there’s FetLife. FetLife caters to the kink community, but typically the kinky community is more open-minded. (Like, what? You’re going to be into getting tied up, gangbanged, and called a dirty little slut, but you’re not going to be into a guy who also has sex with men?)
I don’t know if sex clubs or sex parties are something you’re interested in attending, but many of them—at least in my experience—cater to a more bi clientele or at least they have a specific “bi night.” I’m not sure where you live exactly, so I can’t recommend clubs in your area, but that’s what Google is for. Search for sex clubs near you. See the events they have, their reviews, and what their policies say about inclusivity.
You’re right, most women refuse to hook up with bi men, which is why it may seem counterintuitive to “advertise” or be more open about your bisexuality. But there’s a silver lining. You’ll know which women are down to hook up. That’ll lead to less fear of rejection when you do inevitably tell them you’re bi, along with fewer games and most importantly, a lot more sex.
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